Keean's journey has taught me more than I ever possibly imagined. I never in my life would think that someone so little and helpless would teach me so much, change me so much and connect me to so many people. I have learned to appreciate life. I have learned to not take the little things for granted. I have come to realize how precious this life is and believe in the power of prayer. I have experienced more anxiety than I ever want to experience again, have cried harder than I ever have cried and been happier than I have ever been. The unknown is tough. We still don't know what lies ahead for our little man.....but we really don't know what lies ahead for any of us. I am content with where he is now. It's funny how simple little things make me extremely excited now with my 7 month old. Just the simple fact that he will eat makes me smile. I took a picture of the first jar of baby food Keean finished.
I love my children so much it hurts. Sometimes it scares me what this life might bring, but it also brings me joy to know that I have been blessed enough to get to be a mommy. I thank God every day for what I have.
When I was in the darkest place of my existence, I still knew I needed to be thankful. I never lost sight of the importance and power of prayer and my relationship with God. It got me through some tough stuff. It made me stronger in my faith. Yes, there were times I was angry and I would cry and beg and plead that I get to keep my baby with me......but I was always thankful. I still question things with my faith. I still wonder why such bad things can happen to such wonderful people, but it does not make me doubt. I will just have a LOT of questions when my time comes.
If you have never had a sick baby, count your blessings. I have had a new light shed on me how painful it is to watch someone you love with everything you have in you hurt so much. I would have given anything to switch places with Keean. Watching him get poked and pricked with needles, tubes coming out of his nose, stomach and neck, continues tummy pain, puking and so much watery stool his poor bottom got extremely sore, getting wheeled away to the operating room, watching him get put under while I held him......it was a lot to take in. I know there are so many people out there that have gone through so much worse and have seen so much worse with those they love, but this was the toughest thing for ME. This was the hardest thing I have EVER been through so I don't like to compare myself to what others have dealt with. Everyone has their own battles and just because it could be worse doesn't mean it wasn't tough. I have this place in my heart that means so much more to me now than it ever has for parents who have sick babies and parents who have lost their babies (regardless how old their babies are). I wish I could do something to take away their pain, to help them or to make them feel less helpless.....but I know this is not possible. All I can do is pray for them and to hope that some day this journey we are all on makes a little bit more sense.
We have been so grateful and so very thankful to every single one of the people in our lives that have prayed for us, send anonymous gifts, who put on and/or attended our benefit, who came to visit us in the hospital and at home, who continue to support us and ask how Keean is doing. Sometimes it's easy to forget when you get caught up in the world happenings that there really are LOTS of really good people left in the world. People who genuinely care about us. People who stood by us during our toughest times and forgave us if we weren't the perfect friends or family for awhile. We were absorbed in Keean and are so very thankful for the one's out there that understood that and loved us through every.single.step of our journey. We couldn't have done it alone.