The first weekend

My husband had left the hospital to go back home the first night we were there.  I remember crying a lot and not knowing what to do with myself.  I was surrounded by strangers.  People looking in our room as they walked by, people walking by crying because of their situation and people who would just stop in and ask our story.  I remember being scared to leave Keean alone in the room to go to the cafeteria to eat.  The nurses ensured me he was fine, but what did they know.  I didn't know them and they certainly had no clue how to take care of MY baby.  Sure, they took care of super sick babies all day every day, but I wasn't going to trust complete strangers to take care of my child.  I literally left the room to go to the bathroom and that was about it.  They encouraged me to get some food or to check in at the Ronald McDonald House to get some sleep, but I refused.  I wasn't leaving until my husband got there.

I will share a story. It's actually kind of embarrassing and a little pathetic, but I will share it to give you all an idea of where my mind was the first weekend at the hosptial.

When my husband came back that Saturday he asked my sister who lives in the cities to come and get me.  He knew it was healthy for me to get out of not only Keean's room but the entire building.  He told her to bring me to get a massage and out to eat.  It was his anniversary present to me and it was a surprise.  Well, I'm not going to lie.  When my sister showed up to steal me away I completely lost it.  At first I completely refused to go.  I recall saying things like, "This is stupid"  "Why do you want me to leave when you know I can't" and "This is the dumbest idea you've ever had".  Yep, super cool.  I was a freak show.  I couldn't understand why my husband wanted me to leave the hospital when clearly no one else in the entire world could take care of our baby.  HA!  Well, against my will, I went.  I cried until we got to Panera Bread where I could hardly eat my sandwich and then we found a place to get a massage.  My stubbornness would not allow me to admit that I needed to leave.  BUT, I did.  The hubby was right (don't tell him I said that) and it was probably one of the healthiest things I could do.  So, please....if you are in my situation EVER, get out of the hospital.  The people there know what they're doing and you need to have some time away.

Anyway,

I ended my last post that I had some hope.  Hope that we had fixed Mr. Keean by changing the calorie content of his new formula.  I can still picture my conversation with the pediatrician that came in to talk to us.  We had been in the hospital since August 4th, a Thursday.  It was now August 7, which was actually our 1st wedding anniversary.  I thought it would be awesome to go home and start our new "normal" life on such a big day.  Well, my hopes and dreams of discharge were shot down quickly when the pediatrician came in the room.

We had been told that we could go home if Keean gained weight.  Well the morning of August 6th he had gained 1/2 an ounce so we were positive we were on to something.  When the pediatrician came to see us on August 7th, my husband was actually packing up the car.  She had to wait for him to get back from loading the first load before we could chat.  She said she wanted to weigh Keean one more time before we left as she had heard that he had thrown up and had some watery stool.  Ok, fine I guess.  You can weigh him, but then we need to get outta this place.

They took the scale in the room.  I was confident that he had either stayed the same weight or gained a little from the morning before.  BUT, I was wrong.  an OUNCE is what he lost.  One ounce down. :(  I wanted to scream.  The pediatrician said....and mark my words, "Against my better judgement I can send you home, but you will be back."  Sweet!  That is just the best news EVER.  So, the hubby went back down to the car to unpack what we had packed and I immediately started crying.  I have someone at home who also needs me and I don't know what to do.  I knew deep down the pediatrician was right.  What was going on with Keean was deeper than a formula change or a calorie change.  We just needed to figure out what.  So, we unpacked our stuff, got settled in once again and waited for more tests.